Specs.Spirit.Scent.Supplies

One of the days before CHN duty went on full course. Never have i thought that i'd be so stressed this first week in the area plus the upcoming seminar on Saturday (Nov 17).  With only 6 days of preparation, the probability of pulling everything off was NO way KNOWN. 

MIRROR. We were at E.O. waiting for the optometrist to call my name. My grade's 50 for both eyes by the way, with astigmatism. I'm very happy my two house mates from the College of Medicine accompanied me a midst the current exams to study for. I love them. Always.

BOOKSALE. I had Miss Rolin the librarian (clerk) at booksale took this photo for me. I was sitting there in the newly arrived boxes looking at the books with scrutiny. (scripted)

My last two bottles of Zwitsal-my signature cologne. 

SUPPLIES. One thing I cant deny is my natural impulse in buying pens - of different colors. Good thing Nang RJ allowed me to borrow her 48 different non-toxic crayons from Crayola. If my pens empty, i still keep them. 

KOREAN. Not a fan, but this chewies delighted my taste buds.. The little amount left of my tuition did not survive for the week. 

THERE. ano sa English ang kiwi?

I never had that recipe of philosophy for a lifetime, i never formulated a fine one. Just that, only now have i realised how a happy smile can lift me up. 

Thinking a lot.

(I have been in deep thought these days. Matters seem to lay their selves in front of me, stimulating my judgement and my frontal lobe. As i browse through the unpublished posts in my blogger dashboard, I read these unfinished lines of my poem. I don't know how it made  mevery lonely. I thought so that it was because of the abuse of neglect i did, and the supposed theme of the piece isn't as whole as my mindset before my momentum stopped.)

I might decide to publish this in its unfinished state, So to remind my self that no matter how I started with full enthusiasm , I still struggle on how to finish my work.


'we stare at endless height
though darkness dominates the skies
and the moon stands the only light
to draw the glistening orbs in your eyes

your words sing music to my ears
your touch is warm, dilating my pores
and then breeze began to offer tears
to the grasses of earthly floors

the wind blows to kiss your darling
as i whistle to keep them blowing
how long will you have me waiting
to kiss your lips as they stood watching

dont cover your face with your delicate hair
i wish to see your smile and the lines up there.
But the happy sounds i hear seem to fade away
stay will you and never part by day

tears are flowing from your face
while dew drops fill in little pace
you were lonely, i never knew
tired of love you doubted to be true.


I cuddle, hugged and braced you
in my arms i offer comfort
and counter 


The Bold letters are my new attempts, and I know my poetic sense is deteriorating. 

Papa's Day

My father. The Man of the House. 

in here my Papa dances, i think he's listening to an old song,or some Avril Lavigne single. Taken when I was 16. My brothers were small, they had transformed quite immense. 

      My father is a history fanatic. I can still remember the days where he used to tell stories about cradles of civilization. I must admit, I have taken a liking on them. They contributed greatly to my interests. With the easy access to internet in our house, my papa makes a time of his life researching for nuggets of information for his lectures and reconnect new trends in history than skimming on obsolete and dusty old-fashion books in the library. 

     I think I'm having a flashback... *ripples*

  Back when I was a dog, ^*&#@* I mean a child, our parents quarrel all the time. I don't remember why, i think its given that I can't recall them at all. Yet for some reason I thought that they're breaking apart, and my mama jokingly asks me if to whom shall I go with if it happens. I chose my papa. I'm happy it never happened. It turns out my parents were attached to strings of a normal married life. I was young then, and I never figured it out that way. My mama's weakness is a notorious amount of cuddles and kisses from my papa, and I don't know what goes beyond that.

I love my parents! and my siblings! And this cheesy family. 

One Boring Night in the Hospital

I seriously admit, we hadn't been feeling very well because of the combined desperation to gain scores in the hospital plus the-day-before's lost battle (failure), that means we practically allowed the 400 Php + float away. 

Nevertheless.

I'm loving Disney. Its a magnanimous part of my childhood. In tapes and cds we watched Disney films, we virtually aren't deprived of entertainment appropriate our age. A Whole New World is my favorite, and among the duet songs i am very esteemed to sing. haha. I find it very viral. It never misses a repetition once i sing it during class/duty hours. 

And I forgot to tell you. We completed our scores already.

Halo-Halo at Aling Nida's No Longer the same without YOU!

Not really that of Aling Nilda in one of the stalls at Lapaz Market, Iloilo.
(got this from Google).  all the same, a perfect Filipino delicacy for the Summer Season.

      Last Thursday, or was it? i forgot. No matter. I was walking down Lapaz Market, with second thoughts of going to Booksale for a bit of light reading or JD Restaurant for a hot Lomi snack size, I momentarily paused and stared at the next side of the road, Then I saw Aling Nilda's Halo-Halo stall, and i knew what i wanted.
    My mind swam. 

    I can still remember her smile, her lips inches from her spoon. We had one special order which had barquillos in it, mango tidbits, and macapuno strips. She was smiling. Teasing me because she finds it unusual and a rare occasion for me to spend more than a hundred for a day. She's wrong. If spending meant for food, it goes all the way.  

   I crossed the road, careful not tripping over the swampy sidewalk. The woman, im not sure if she's Aling Nida was crushing a big ice cube and spoon by spoon, her assistant places their colorful ingredients on bowls lining up. The stall was packed today. I can barely ease my way in, and an old aged woman attempted to share the table with me, but maybe the strange angle of my legs suggested an unwelcoming mood, so she went to the other table. I did really want to feel solitary that moment, just so I can think clearly, and well, concentrate on my eating. These days, I have been starving my self, intentionally, yeah, for every student, or at least for me- its normal especially if you wake up past noon and missed breakfast and lunch, and you feel just great because you wont be spending money for two meals, this time, just one. Yet you compensate by buying a special halo-halo. But its worth 35 Php only. That would be enough to satisfy my need to clean my gut. And successfully, I did after going home, that one was explosive.

   This time, i was teasing her. 

  We shared one bowl, since i cannot afford buying two special servings, and she   understands it. That's what I like about her. Very understanding, considerate, gentle and laughter loving. She insisted in having all the mango strips. She took it all away each time i get to scoop them. She really liked seeing me close to annoyance, or when my eye brows meet, and my wrinkles show. But I love her, that's all there ever be even when the last sweetest mango strip melts out of her tongue.

Yeah. i was thinking very deep. My mind was swimming, along with the crushing i did  in the impacted ice of my halo-halo. I ate my leche flan first, and realised how lousily made it is. Never mind. Every spoonful i get was like a memory to me. A memory i can easily reminisce everytime i taste camote, mango, ube, langka, corn kernel and milk.

It has been two months since i broke up with her. I never saw her face again. I summed up all the courage to talk to her, but she drew the words out of my mouth for insisting that i had to tell her this instance, thru a text message. There had been no chance for us to talk, we ended in goodbyes, without personal conversations, without any formality. I begin to wonder if the results i see before my eyes could really justify the courage that i thought i was having in the first place. My fear of confronting my problems didnt make any difference at all, to my assumption-that I'm a coward, that I cannot call myself a man. 

  at the moment when I hear the people beside me chattering and laughing, and i see in their eyes the happiness brought by the sweetness of aling Nida's halo-halo, maybe the crushing i did with my eyes is effective in channeling my emotions down to what i will digest later on, instead of bursting to tears, a sentimental thing that only triggers when no one is watching. And when i get home, i will surely bury myself elsewhere and never move as if I finally met my gravestone. 

Here i am, solitary. Focusing on my studies, staying out of anyone's attention. Covert. Family-oriented. Loveless, but never regretted everyday that I had with dada.

Well, maybe, in the future, I will be stepping in Aling Nida's stall again, no longer alone. Who knows. 

Tonight I'm starving

Your tons of dreams cannot feed you this instance.  Staying late, with  hyperactive bowel sounds and parasympathetic craving for food. This, is my own hunger game. I am Hungry!

I might be the kind of ordinary-usual-common (in short pathetic) student you ever get crossed the campus, but believe me, the hell I've been messing in the past 2 years, you never gonna let your self trapped in the same position, just because you haven't recollected your reasons to refuse what faith  has prepared for you, or your parents-or relatives.

Personality Disorder Test

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 74% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 66% Antisocial |||||||||||||| 58% Borderline |||||||||||||| 58% Histrionic |||||||||||| 42% Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 58% Avoidant |||||||||||| 42% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

*scores in gray are the average web score 

Test Note: Read the descriptions below to avoid misinterpreting test results (for example, the Antisocial classification does not mean you are a loner, it means you tend to be insensitive towards others).

General Note: the validity and reliability of personality disorders are still lacking in strong statistical evidence and clear agreement in the scientific and medical community.

Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal 

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic 

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive 

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency. 

***

This is fairly an absolute confirmation to my assumptions..

But i believe this is not totally accurate. You will be very aware of my desperate actions on knowing myself. Undertaking online psychology test and evaluations, is already a big contributing factor to self determination.

I admit i act weird sometimes. You can find me speaking to you in some foreign accent, or put some non suitable ideas in a conversation (esp magic) . But that is who i am, and I never regret being recognised thru that. 

I think i will be putting all my self-digested ideas here, for a matter of self awareness and memory keeping. 

Check This Out..

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

The 10 Rules of a Roach

by Craig Hovey
an extract from his book, "The Way of the Roach"

1. You have nothing to fear but yourself
2. Don't always listen to your heart.
3. Always be the last bug standing.
4. Even the smallest opening can be a good opportunity.

5. Feast where others see only garbage
6. Grow eyes in your back.
7. Move while your enemies mull.
8. Rest up to wreck havoc.
9. Don't be there when the lights are on.
10. What doesn't exterminate you will only make you stronger.




The dominant reason why I go to Gaisano City, Iloilo is to visit Booksale and leaf through the pages of interesting books -and some nursing books and I found this on a page, from Craig Hovey..
I find it inspiring.

No Cloudy Day for me..

"I went home, hoping sanity will possess my body. But no..."

***

3pm in afternoon class about Perception and Coordination, i gagged myself from bursting out my impatience for a 15 minute break. Why can we just Bring it on! 

and Go Home! 1 month, i haven't seen my parents and my siblings. I m afraid that i'll turn into a schizophrenic if i will not see them any soon..

***

"I came home, hoping sanity will possess my body. But no..."

***

The class ended 4:30, with satisfying quiz results, I sprang from my seat, flirted a little with Khinnet and Mayee, and bid farewell to my crush's dead attention..(is there such thing?)

The Jaro Liko Tagbak Terminal jeepney did not show up, consuming the delicate time left there in for me to board the HPQ bus-- the only busline that enters Concepcion. So i rode my broom...

just kidding..

The secrecy of the wizarding world is at stake in that matter.

***

Going Back... my mind is not in its adequate functioning right now.. i really hope i could finish this...

After series of uncozy, and willing offers of the evening's invisible  dusts to powder-coat my face powered by the bus's own law of motion.. I gave in, just so i can reunite with my family- my Mama Connie and Papa Jimmy.

***

My mama got angry with me..

with all the expenses I've cost her..

What i'll do here is some sort of defending myself... 

In everyday that I live in Iloilo City, in every academic battle for learning and being equipped for the future, part of my every day, where i do not consider my self living at all.. only existing! --- is the crisis of financial sickness.. 

***

I published this post before pa, and I examine it for some revisions, and additions that might make it, dapper and spicy.. ohh.. or when grammar alert comes in the way.. Since sometimes, I cannot bang all the ideas to the blog in just one confrontation, I leave it hanging and published until an emotional baggage burdens my back. and some unloading is required. 

its 4am, and later, I will be on duty at OR... and, whilst I increase the risk of my tanga-tanga sa hangin and lost-lost drama karun, i will try to finish what I started.

***

8th Feb@Bed

Sacrifices come Success..

I believe in that, although, I am most utterly bewildered on my own concept of Success. 

Everything keeps improving, there is continuous growth of curiosity and increasing standards of satisfaction.. You can never know what you want.. or never get to choose because of what you don't have...

If you a have a 20 Philippine Peso... What shall you do?

a. Buy soda (Coca Cola) worth 16 peso for large.

b. Buy two crispy Dumangas bread for 7 peso each.

c. Keep the money and reserved for tomorrow's expenses.

The condition is lacking.. I forgot to say I'm hungry.

I do this three choices often... 

A and B tells you, how important it is for me to attend my hunger.

Coke signifies satisfaction. Bread signifies nourishment and  keeping the money is my own way of preparing for the future, even though im hungry..now that is sacrifice.

***

Now, my typical cityhood life is with these three: SNS

Satisfaction

Nourishment

Sacrifice

Satisfaction, can either way be stated as Contentment, because satisfaction denotes different connotation to every reader.

My SATiSFACTION aspect consists

•  my academic pursuit for excellence and learning
•  my own fulfillment for receiving remarks and performing good at school.
•  the improvement of my craft
•  and alliance to the friends and families.

My NOURiSHMENT aspect consists

• mostly desire to be healthy. (Just last Uweek, i proved that I'm not because I was not accepted for blood donation)
• to meet my esteem needs
• the nourishment of my spiritual and emotional health. (random, whatever comes out of my mind)

My SACRiFiCE aspect consists

• staying in the city, cant barely go home.
• missing your family
• missing your siblings
• conserving your money for tomorrow or till the allowance day
• eating twice a day because thrice will be an expense
• staying in with a nocturnal animal.. (not now!)
• studying every night.
• etc.

***

Why am i putting it all in here?

today, its 11th of Feb, and the post was 6 days ago. oh yeah!

If you know me already, you never have to think twice about blaming it on school loads.

I am a student nurse, genetically-modified-by-experience-to stay up late and ignore the luxury of sleep a comfortable bed can offer.

I still remember the carefree days of highschool, and now i can hardly swallow the overwhelming transformation college have imposed on me. Most of them are good, and im happy knowing people with beautiful souls, who influenced me greatly and contributed to my personality development. For me, everyday is soul-searching.
Trying to look for fragments that will complete my whole being. Meeting people along the way, learning things of immense value, knowing ideas from fewer great minds and identifying sensibility in the impaired.


 I began to wander what my past life was.. if ever that is true...  If i was liberated like  pigeon, or keen as a meerkat. 
(Now im starting to think outside of the box)
***

when i arrived at Iloilo City way back in 2009, every scenery i see , reminds me of how promising my college life is going to be, and i kept that thought just until i discovered the horrors of living in the same room with a nocturnal animal .. (forgive my brutality)