The BER Months

Christmas Eve, I just can’t sleep.

I am dreaming of a cold white Christmas.

1. I’ve got loads of things coming up in my mind, and i can’t seem to form them all in sentences that would tell directly what I feel. I suppose, everyone feels that way, huh? I haven’t updated much on my journal these days even when most of the time at home, I spent sleeping and staring at the television, or maybe because home in the present situation is a refuge place for a battle-worn soldier like me. I don’t want to begin my academic outcries in here because all the procrastination and stuffs I started this second semester, don’t give me the rights to do that (Insert Superego Ghost). The scent of home and cabinet-stocked pillows lulls me to rest my humble muscles to the point of not moving anywhere at all like getting into the bathroom-kanding moments, I’ve got a lot those. One more thing about home is when you see your siblings, all grown out that big and tall, and you feel so old inside and out, physically and mentally. I’m happy to see them, being so healthy and well-nourished; my assessment skills won’t fail me at that. It’s now difficult to pick on them. They seem to have acquired cognitive reasoning over things.

2. My Mama and Papa never stopped working. Iced candy and relip here and there. It makes me upset sometimes, that they have to work hard for us, and me, knowing the amount my course and lodging costs. We are very thankful to God for giving us loving parents, and for keeping us in the best of health. Every day, I pray to Him, that He will strengthen and keep us together. . I only got three months left at nursing school. I’m so nearing the finale of my studentship and hoping along with it is the end of financial dilemmas at home. My older brother can’t be with us these holidays. He’s working on an inter-island ship (I haven’t had much idea about it), and the peak season requires him to stay on board. This year’s Christmas is incomplete without him. Partially perfect Christmas.  

Little girl with undying hyperactivity. 

3. I stayed too long in the city. I babysit-ed my pamangkin with glee, she even punched me in the face for not responding everytime she says sorry. She’s so polite now but still hyperactive. She has this Ipad and I spent the night exploring the games and becoming proficient.

Team AWEsome with Ma'am Sioson and her daughter, Bea. 

4. Two weeks before the year-ender for us Batch Bituon officially ends the RLEs (TBC opcors) and hints the beginning of holiday vacaciones which meant long dreamy rests, I was the team leader of my subgroup. Hahaha. I went on duty on my first day with a fully enthusiastic smile and the time it was for me to make my speech, i told my members that there’s one thing we can constantly cling on within ourselves, it’s the CHARM. If most of us were secured about having SKA in totality (which they say are the legal qualities an SN should possess) no one would have ever agreed with me, or might just me alone. Nonetheless, Charm is the best tool during collaborative relationships (doctors, staff nurses, etc.). From that day forward, we called ourselves, TEAM CHARMING. The other subgroup was called Team Elegance. We gave the idea too, although it really originated from King Cordova himself, the founder of King Cordova’s Hospital for Cardiopulmonary Maladies.

        Our Christmas party at HiWay 21 KTV was a blast. I was able to exhaust my larynx but still get to talk the next day.

That's Summer. She's my Best Friend. 

5. My love life right now have hanged out of balance, it might stay that way for long until I meet the next season for romance, a real romance. I’m not searching right now, especially because school and family are obligating me to look ahead and follow the schedules like 6 am arrival at the ward. I have loads of fun memories with my friends to ever think about the past relationship I was left figuratively hanging for 5 days, which made me give up on it. I will have another post for those hate-love-lust-truth transitions in my life (it pricks my heart every time I think about it). I’m haaaappy everything had gone too well for me whilst on the process of forgetting the feeling, you know, letting your brain take the wheel.

Nocturnal.

6. Listening to Ed Sheeran’s songs and his fantastic covers in Infinite Playlist. Man, he is incredible. His composition more than the lyrics has got a lot of stories to tell especially because I find them exclusively relatable. I wouldn’t want to romanticize everything here; Watching 500 days of Summer, meeting Summer herself and talking to a Hobbitch (Hobbit + Witch) friend are all letting me swallow reality and expel heavy end-of-the-day sighs. My support system isn’t failing me after all.

So dare of my neighbor to turn his music so loud when all of them are increasingly disturbing as they play and less likely aren’t helping me recover? I’m speculating he’s in Padugo stage. I know the feeling and off my sympathies go.

My brother there is the guitarist. The three ladies do the vocals and modelling. It's not as if they don't have the potential to make a band someday. 

My cousins too are singing torpe songs in a full moon, I, getting clouded by the aroma of mosquito repellent and bearing it long as the Wifi here (at my Tita’s house) is free. I’m praying the connection at home gets fixed real soon. 

We didn't have the latest picture. We're 6-manned actually. 

7. Getting reunited with your high school chums again, it was not one of the fun moments just like before. Since then i learned to keep quiet and listen to how they exchange information about the people who impressed them and superficial sort of things. I found it excessively pointless sometimes but I had a great laugh. I think my mind is searching for things with a more substance aside from the bulk it has with research. Research is getting into my nerves now; I probably should start editing our manuscript before the year ends or else I might be spending an entire year of editing something, entailed by superstitions.

Bittersweet. 

8. Respectively Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1and 2 are coming out in HBO, and I assume in two days’ time it’ll be. I have never outgrown this fandom and will be carrying it to the grave. Just a moment ago I was contemplating over the future of my collected Harry Potter items like coloring books, post cards, and stuffed toys (all are second-hand, thanks Booksale and Ukay-ukay) for I think my profession will have me board a plane and go abroad, there will no one to look after them since I was not able to influence the strong minds of the people at home. Somewhere in Europe I wish, to some place near my idols and so i can gaze at gingerheads everywhere until the occasion gets usual to me. Harry Potter series- it has my life in it. Been updating my HP planner, dueling friends at Pottermore, watching fan-made tribute videos in Youtube and reading HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban, my favorite above all.

9. My mama’s headache is troubling me. I spent an hour researching about this disease, I won’t be revealing about it. She will have a nurse soon for a son and there’s no way I’m going to allow anyone outside the medical profession to just tell her to take aspirin each time she has headache. I suspect it to be cerebrovascular in origin. I did my brief and not-so exhaustive history taking and she’d been having headache for a long time. I was telling her to submit herself to CT scan and have a check-up. I just hope I can convince her the soonest. It will all be quite ironic because the health teachings we generously give to touch the lives of our patients, can’t even bore themselves get through our parents.

This summarizes by whole Ber months. 

Ever Coveted Shoes

   I searched everywhere, for designs of my project. In the coming holidays i thought of rewarding myself of something HP related. Voila! It materialised to this as a form of remuneration.

  My housemate spared some of his time (count off the procrastination) to hand-paint my pair of white shoes.
I can't wait to wear it this coming Christmas Party with my Gryffindor shirt to match.

  I deserve this!

 

Last December 17.

I miss the sea. I miss everything in me.

I miss the  sea, I miss everything in me.

Life  is a bitch. There are a lot of bitches in the sea.

She's not the only one. Then why can't you be a bitch too.

Bitchin is mainstream. I want to be the good guy.

You want to be hurt?

Why you asked?

Bad things happen to guys like you, there aren't any goodness left in the world.

May be i  have set my hopes to high.

Yes, absolutely.

Do you love her? 

Yes I do.

Were you the only one? 

I Don't know.

There goes the problem.

Maybe i'll keep on loving?

Even though you're hurt?

EVEN WHEN I'M HURT.

Are you threatened of her past?

Why you asked?

Because I'm thinking, you judged her first.

Yes i did! But i accepted her all. The imperfections you say. I'm secured with them. 

But there's more to her than what meets me.

And I am not sure if she will stay. Stay! Stay!

IT'S NOT THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS ANYMORE.

I miss the sea, and everything in me.
Before you came, I can calm everything i see.
I breathe quiet hopefully when you had me.

Broken Strings

My partner in silly WTF!!! crackings and accent impulses! This woman gifted with spontaneity is Mayee. My Summer. 

Specs.Spirit.Scent.Supplies

One of the days before CHN duty went on full course. Never have i thought that i'd be so stressed this first week in the area plus the upcoming seminar on Saturday (Nov 17).  With only 6 days of preparation, the probability of pulling everything off was NO way KNOWN. 

MIRROR. We were at E.O. waiting for the optometrist to call my name. My grade's 50 for both eyes by the way, with astigmatism. I'm very happy my two house mates from the College of Medicine accompanied me a midst the current exams to study for. I love them. Always.

BOOKSALE. I had Miss Rolin the librarian (clerk) at booksale took this photo for me. I was sitting there in the newly arrived boxes looking at the books with scrutiny. (scripted)

My last two bottles of Zwitsal-my signature cologne. 

SUPPLIES. One thing I cant deny is my natural impulse in buying pens - of different colors. Good thing Nang RJ allowed me to borrow her 48 different non-toxic crayons from Crayola. If my pens empty, i still keep them. 

KOREAN. Not a fan, but this chewies delighted my taste buds.. The little amount left of my tuition did not survive for the week. 

THERE. ano sa English ang kiwi?

F^ck Giid Yah!

Tonight/day was a series of bullshitting revelations and realisations, or another busted moments.
I really wanted to cry. (I cried)

CRY CRY CRY all i want.  (non congruent photo)I was close to describing my self as a PULP. I really wanted to burst! This motorcycle
(on which i haven't really experience driving) was stolen by some klepto just beside the house. My papa was very confident, because for years of parking it outside safely, no one would ever had the intention to steal it. In this picture i was pretending i could drive it. Right now, im in the city, and i know everybody at home is going ballistic, and angry, and blaming each other. I don't even have the idea if Papa and Mama finished paying their dues in this automobile. They've been paying for it in a monthly basis. arrgh! Curse you Klepto! whoever you are, the motorcycle's affinity is with us. Hope its gasoline will burn your testes and sterilize you forever (forgive me Dear Jesus)!

Whatever this photo is faking, i don't care at all! This motorcycle has been our saving grace. My mama, papa, brothers, Okaaay! Everyone in the house knows how to drive it already! Except me, and princess, but she'll have the drive soon enough. (i promised to my self that i will travel on four wheels). Fuuuuu! Without the motorcycle, it will be hard for mama to sukot her pautang sa relip,  and papa to drive my siblings to school and all our the livelihood functions of the motorcycle No efficiency.  I was counting down my tuition fee when the news took me.
everything was impossible to believe. Concepcion, especially our compound (of college teachers and their families) isn't visited by crime or nuissance.  I can even leave the house open and unlocked and get back with everything intact in broad day and night light. How rare is rare if you get lucky.

What a bull!

My crush, said hello to me tonight! I was enthusiastic of course! Or maybe at least i can set aside the things that burden me at the moment and message her, and stay awake and dream happily afterwards. After i replied hi you! 
She asked for my friend's number!??? a male friend.
 How and What do you think does and will that make me feel!!!!!!?? I dont want to elaborate on it, its my life and my blog- so i decide who gives the explanation. This time,. my own is!

The Bull i'm pertaining to isn't my crush but I. Who was so ambitious, trying to capture a heart that is free  and repelling.

Show OFF!

Some show off git just in the round tables. 

Scarborough Fair (Ma Own Version)

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?

 And kiss,

Morning Glories in the blooming night and bare

Evening Primrose, will petals cut my skin? 

And kiss,

A pristine youth like mortal’s hidden sin

Mounting peaks flaunting high can you see? 

And kiss,

Snowflakes cold like heart beating is for thee.

Search me the finest sea anemone? 

And kiss,

Darling clothes the beggars sewn for me.

Can you remedy aches of happy memories? 

And knot,

Strings as traps for mayflies and honey bees.

Must hunger embrace my town city? 

Believe me,

All I want is a glaze donut from Jollibee.

Then you’ll be, my true love maybe.

Give me Love

Frosts on darling beds of flower spectacles.¹⁰

Where stagnant are dewdrops of clear marbles.¹⁰

A flutter of tiny wings that pirouette into the sky.¹⁵

Entrance of spring blends the sunshine⁸

When crisp creature dances in the early light.¹⁰

Blooming are buds in shades of red and white. ¹⁰

The hungry bugs chomp all that’s green and lush¹⁰

Lively flight of butterflies starts to rush.¹⁰

Here comes the crowd of towering trees.⁹

With the minty air to celebrate and tease.¹¹

Humus kissed by lost tiny seeds.⁸

Flown by the breeze, carried by bees.⁸

The sun up it shines, glowing the fields⁹

I can see them both-celestial orbs⁹

twinkle of  stars and the beaming moon⁹

resemble your eyes in  daylight tune⁹

Blanket of weeds covered the earth⁸

Embracing your skin, warmth and curved⁸

The Victoria scent and lemon grass⁹

Tells how perfect this moment should last⁹

The minute you smile, for me it meant.⁹

A bundle of joy that heaven’s sent.⁹

When you mimic the way flowers bent.⁹

This space my heart reserves, free of rent.⁹

You lay down the heaps of Babies’ Breath⁹

We stare up the skies of bunny clouds⁹

I kissed you behind your cheeky blush⁹

You kissed the nose bridge I cared too much⁹

Give me love the day I pass your test

Give me love once I stand from the rest

Embraced in my arms, staring at endless height

To search fireflies in the curtain of night

No matter how seasons come and go⁹

In the birth of spring I’d like you to know⁹

In sheer hopes and gutsy melody⁹

Nature sings my heart’s testimony⁹

I got the title from Ed Sheeran's Give me Love.  Noticed the superscripts? they're the numbe rof syllables. 

MMDA: Psychos Together

At some point in the slides, Betha and Pia turned looked at each other at the same time. That is awkwaaaard! Girls. We only laughed about it. 

Kiss Me

KISS ME 
(Ed Sheeran, Julie Frost, Justin Franks)

Settle down with me, cover me up, cuddle me in
Lie down with me, yeah, and hold me in your arms
And your heart's against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes but they don't know me yet
And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love, falling in love, falling in love

Settle down with me and I'll be your safety, you'll be my lady
I was made to keep your body warm but I'm cold as the wind blows
So hold me in your arms
My heart's against your chest, your lips pressed to my neck
I'm falling for your eyes but they don't know me yet
And with this feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now

Kiss me like you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love, falling in love, falling in love

Yeah I've been feeling everything
From hate to love from love to lust from lust to truth
I guess that's how I know you
So hold you close to help you give it up

So kiss me like you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
Kiss me like you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved, you wanna be loved
This feels like falling in love, falling in love, falling in love

It was my Birthday!

Them. Camwhoring. 

HATE:LOvE

It hurts me now that you found someone else to offer your love.

It hurts me now that you never talked to me.

It hurts me now because you smile so often.

It hurts me so because its not me who caused it.

It hurts me even more for you look so bright and charming.

While i take the stress and stare at your bearing.

I hate the fact that you hated me.

I hate the fact that i hated you.

I hate the fact its over

I hate it.

HATE.

I'll shoot you now and see you in after life.

May it be in heaven or hell, I'll shoot anyone who comes in the way between us.

DEAR CRUSH.

Love me back.

LOVE. 

Friends

Bethany, Pia May,  and Praise

The ladies from Duenas (dwen-yas). Being with them is exhausting to the pocket and fun to the heart.

"Matulokay duman ta ni bag-o matapos ang semana," says Pia.

"Kulang lang ko thirty Mark, bwas lang." says Betha.

"Please, pwede kapalihog sang Heaven's Torte."  requests Praise.

"Sin-o nga ati matuwad?" 

I saw my eyes.
They have brown to hazel irises.
and the bluish pupils.
I hope they won't mean metabolic disease. 

PASIMPLE LANG.
Just smile even though you're uncertain if the camera's into you. 
What if it is?

Bulky week: for what?

Girl you make my speakers go BOOM TARAT TARAT!

This Lagaw swam 102 kilometers from my hometown to quench my craving for freshly cooked fish. 

My Singaporean friend Karen told me this was her favorite book, Since then, i consulted booksale stalls at all the malls for a 2nd hand copy of this. 2012 is a lucky year. 

REIGN. My "A your adorable B your so bubbly and C your so cute" cousin!

Sept30. I'll spice up my night with my bukayo from Duenas , this Chinese Hopia and a nugget of wisdom   for a young man.

Raping the webcam and my 2nd hand books. The Hp Planner was my gift for myself last December for a year of planning and time management.

UNDER THE COVERS.  Harry's beaming smile. 

The Choices I made in symbols.

THAT SO RANDOM. The symbols I and Mayee (she scratched my name and turned it to Ngyek, what is wrong with that woman!) ranked according to our preference, principle and etc. I don't know why i pondered a lot before finishing this. I chose triangle first, for life is like tatsulok and square last because i don't like it and in reality there isn't what we call fair and square (although i fight for it).

I know that this will be another tool for self- assessment so i took it seriously. I know that the choices i made from there on will affect my ways (if not totally) my future and (affected) my past.  It turned out:
Triangle means my Vision; Cross means Relationship; the twirl or swirly line for Change; Circle for Wholeness (whoah!) and Square for Stability. 

As you can see in the picture.  I (indirectly) chose Vision as my goal. Relationships will lead me there, what I have and what I am right now is Change, I had wholeness in the past (why? what about now?) and stability is what i neglected in the past.

These wholeness, change, vision etc are abstract things, you will have to take time thinking and delving deeper into them. My life is riddle, i don't know who's the teller. Unsolved and unknowable.

Based on a psychological study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you are already in love.

-ikaw nagid ya! ikaw na!

Laundry Man

This is a part of my stress cycle. 
Level what D? Protection from detergents. Just look at that. 

My Folkdance Chums

NO DANCE NO LIFE. Not my life motto. But i resort to dancing (in the bathroom ) when I don't seem to make a point in life.  FOLK DANCE TEAM. from left to right: Edmark, Ralph, Praise Novie, Me, Leona, Frances, Prima & JM. 

Gray themed photo from last years Pandanggo sa Ilaw practice.
from left to right: sitting: Edmark,  Leona,  Me, Andong & JM. standing: Frances & Garrett. believe me when i say Praise is there!

@ Jabi. It's Prima's Birthday! The one doing the so-highschool  pose is Edzel. Our maldita and puno ng pasensya na trainer. 

 Since my entire life had been a series of ego-inferiority complexes when it comes to dancing, and singing. Never have I thought that I will be joining the rows of folkdancers who compete for their batches in Nursing Fun Days.

I have sworn to myself that i will never dance again after this performance. The nerve to fix my stand in that stool, daring and unbearable. i WILL carry these memories forever. 

THE FINAL POSE. 

I have never expected to win. I compromised our championship streak because of my mistakes. Many nights of back rolling, perceived cephalhematoma, glass and water splash from outbalances. Finally, all worth it. 

AWARDS. Again the happiness is so evident. 

My partner Prim. During the performance, where everyone seem so entertained, I was saying sorry to her  for the mistake I made, still she continued to smile, showing her sparkling dental braces..  Smile, even though you messed up, at first. Recover from falls and stand up, with grace, poise and bearing. That's Prim. The severe qualities and tough composure she's having, hidden beneath that blue filipiniana. 

These beautiful people. I've learned a lot from them, including how to stretch my patience ahead.

Here it is. The TROPHY. 

"If you step out of line, make a beautiful mistake."
I had my own share of mistakes while dancing our final performance, and they aren't the beautiful ones.   I really did. And I cried. You can see them if you watch this video. But we won. I don't know if I should partake with the recognition. I was so down that time. I can only hope to redeem myself in the next level.
And also my parents are so proud of me. 

Room 15

I know it isn't that much. But its Home.
(newly arranged,  i don't have the taste for interior designing)

This is Room 15. The place since October 2011 where I get to experience long dreamy nights, a sleep paralysis and unhindered tendencies to dance and sing like I'm the only tenant alive.  My parents pay for this. 3-4 thousand a month. There are times, they get so overwhelmed and forgot to pay it till 3 month's due.
For me, at some point, this is my torture chamber.

Rubeus Hagrid with Asian Eyes is the Gate Keeper.